to be fearless?

So I've been looking into adding "fearless" to the list of adjectives that describe me.... I've been consciously thinking about this for the past few weeks. It is quite a tall order! It seems like every time I turn around I'm responding in fear, and everywhere I look so many people are being courageous! I recently watched a very good friend cross the finish line after running a marathon. My friend is NOT a runner so this was a "fearless" act for her. An amazing woman I know agrees to watch all four of her grandchildren (3 young boys and a baby girl) all day long and then works til after midnight.....FEARLESS...and selfless. A couple of friends trust their hearts and marry after less than a year of dating......fearless. It takes a solid, conscious effort for me to live fearlessly and even then I often choose the careful, calculated route. There are so many things I want to even consider in my life, but it requires me to take risks. I get so logical and practical in my thinking sometimes that I no longer see some of these risks as options. So that's what I'm up to.......trying to find those risk options that I've been hiding.....from myself.

I'm playing at Amycakes Bakery for the December First Friday Artwalk!! Such a cute place downtown and Amy makes delicious cupcakes!

Lately, I've found the song "Many the Miles" by Sara Bereilles. I think it goes with my fearless theme quite well. :c) Have a lovely week! I'll be practicing fearlessness like a maniac!! maybe I'll get a cape......or a sword or something. ;)

A different kind of loneliness?

"The further I go
More letters from home never arrive
And I'm alone
All of the way
All of the way
Alone and alive"

This excerpt is from "The Rowing Song" by Patty Griffin. I love her lyrics in general, but different songs and phrases hit me at different times. Lately, this has been the right hook or upper cut or something like that. From this excerpt alone, you may see these as depressing lyrics, but no no... I just took a very long road trip (almost 30 hours of driving in a 96 hour period) by myself recently. I love to think about things....alot so this gave me extra time to do just that. I realized something that has been rolling around in my head unacknowledged until now. Okay are you ready for some madness? haha
This lyric for me is expressing that the more I dig and work at knowing myself, the less I will "feel" understood by others. I've addressed in previous blogs the innate desire we all have to be known. The more I unravel and know myself, the more others have to try and fit "me" into some sort of understanding from their perspective. The connection to this lyric is how we keep going on our own separate journeys and people cross our paths and journey with us sometimes, but we're all so different that it takes some serious time and energy to really KNOW someone. I love the "alone and alive" part because it speaks to the fact that even when you may not feel like anyone is taking that "time and energy," it doesn't make your life and journey any less significant or influential. When I was beginning to think about what I wanted to write, a friend of mine came into the room and placed a bowl of miniature frosted mini wheats on the desk and said, "I saw these and had to bring you some because I know you love miniature things." And later another friend said, "No, don't change the song. I know Lee Ellen likes to listen all the way to the end of songs." And a friend I had not seen in years sent me a message recently saying that she still has all the little gifts I made for her years ago, which swells my heart because I love making things for people. I find it so comforting to know that some people out there care about me enough to have a file, or shoe box, or quilt of sorts in their brains marked, "this is lee ellen." I know I have quilts in my brain that continually collect information on many of you. There is still a certain "loneliness" I guess in discovering yourself and pursuing your passion because each are paths we have to take on our own in many ways. We blaze the trail alone for the deeper parts of ourselves. It's such an adventure though and almost feels like a rite of passage ya know? Maybe I'll continue walking alone for awhile......or maybe I'll see you tomorrow hiking up my path.....or maybe I'll find that I'm hiking to meet up with you.....exciting huh?

I visited Katie in Houston over the weekend! (in the picture above) I had the honor of visiting the Red Tree recording studio and play a few of my songs for one of the owners. I may be making some more trips down to Houston in the near future......there is some interesting stuff going on down there! Still sending out postcards, and postcards, and more postcards!

Remembories...... :c)

AHHHH has it really been almost a month since my last post? I think of so many things that I want to tell you about on here but then a month later......... ok well on with it.

Last week, we recognized and remembered the events of September 11, 2001. One of my coworkers requested that our company gather together and pause for an entire minute to think about things we are grateful for and things that stand out in our memory. He mentioned that his reason for feeling led to do this stemmed from hearing a story recently about a woman calling the Police Department in her town because she was "inconvenienced" by a funeral procession on the way home from work. The funeral happened to be for a fallen soldier. And a friend recently introduced me to the band, Brand New. When I listen to a new artist, I typically listen through some songs and latch onto one for awhile. I have been listening to "The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows" for the last few weeks. I watched a brief interview with the songwriter. He said it actually was written as a response to the realization that we have become desensitized almost to deaths. It's just another appointment in our schedule. Meeting, meeting, lunch, attend a funeral, meeting, meeting. Anyway, all of these things are very thought-provoking to me.

During my minute of reflection, I immediately saw an image in my memory of a man standing on a tractor, a field behind him, and the sun setting almost directly behind him on the horizon. His hand was holding his hat and placed over his heart. His facial expression, strong and respectful. My grandfather died over ten years ago and this is an image, a remembory :c) if you will, that is burned in my heart. I was riding in a baby blue limousine in Arkansas in a funeral procession for my grandfather, PePaw, and as we drove to the grave site we passed this field. The man working the field stopped his tractor, stood, removed his hat, placed his hand over his heart, and waited for the entire procession to pass. That, I will never forget.

This picture is of my grandfather and I. I am Lee because my mother's maiden name is Lee. I'm very honored to carry his name. I hope I never catch myself feeling inconvenienced in regards to honoring someone's life.....hmmm so many thoughts but more later. :c) hopefully not a month later.

Music News: I am playing at Cider Days on Walnut Street in Springfield, MO this weekend. Specifically, Saturday September 19th 1:30-2:00pm at the Music at the Inn Stage

I am also singing at a conference for college-aged women September 26th at the Gillioz Theater in Springfield, MO. Check out www.magdaleneproject.com for more information!

G'night! :c)

The Tales of Tolmi

This is a recent picture of the Tolmster sleeping in my parents' dog's bed. They have a Cairn Terrier that is probably 1/3 the size of Tolmi........I adore this pic. :c)

Ok so I think I've mentioned before how Tolmi and the neighbor's dog have been digging holes toward each other under the fence. It's really kind of sweet. It's like the forbidden love or something ya know. The neighbor and I have conversations like, "Yeah crazy kids...." haha So the neighbor said that she was going to get some dirt to refill the holes....yes there are multiple. And I immediately thought, "Now why would she choose to do that? Because they will just dig it out again." I, on the other hand, threw a cinder block in the hole and looked at Tolmi like, "hehe now what?"

So from this little life demonstration, it would seem that my neighbor either really believes in the ability of others/dogs to make positive decisions or maybe enables negative behavior. And I, it would seem, either do not give others/dogs a chance to make positive or negative decisions or maybe live in fear of the worst so protect protect protect!

So I had one hole blocked with a cinder block, but another was still open. I let Tolmi outside Saturday morning, and when I came to let him back in he was through the hole up to his shoulders! When he popped his head back through, his collar was missing. I let him out later in the day, and went out to check on him. He was nowhere to be seen.... It's amazing how the heart pounding, mind racing thing kicks in immediately and you can only grab thoughts enough to verbalize the name. So I managed to yell, "Tolmi," a few times.....nothing........and then, he comes bounding through the back corner of the fence (the opposite side from the "holes" girlfriend). He looks at me as if saying, "Come look what I found," and then he turns around and goes back through. I run over in time to see him squeeze through the foliage-covered corner of the fence into the other neighbors backyard. He is frolicking around their backyard. I watch for a minute to see if he will get out of their fence and really be free. *Side note* My last dog slipped out the front door, ran straight to the street, was hit by a car, and died immediately. I heard him get hit from inside the house and we have a rather long driveway. Horrifying..... Anyway, so any sort of escaping FREAKS me out! So I run over to the neighbors and say, "umm my dog is in your backyard." He didn't have a collar because remember, he lost it so I catch him finally, pick up the 50 lb chunk, thank the neighbors profusely, and walk all the way back over to my house with Tolmi under my arm.

Sunday afternoon involved a trip to Lowe's for some tent pegs and chicken wire. Thanks to Dad, I secured the weakness in the fence. I have mixed feelings when I watch Tolmi run over to the blocked holes and fixed fence. Kind of that "caged bird" sort of thing. It gives me peace of mind to know he's safe and the competitive side of me grins to see he hasn't figured out another way out yet, but I also feel alittle sad to take his fun away. Whew! Anywho, I'm sure there will be more "Tales of Tolmi" so to be continued for now......

I'm still writing and sending postcards!! Also, I've got two new songs rolling around in my brain. One some of you have heard in draft form for now referred to as "Lullaby" and the other is really really new. Something about sunrises. Yay for new songs!

yeah that's me......

I was recently playing at an outdoor gig and a friend from college was there. I sang the song that I played the first night I EVER played guitar and sang in front of a live audience of people other than family or close friends. Such a monumental experience.... Well this friend, Betsey, was there that night, Amateur Night on Drury University's campus, 2003. I know....I'm so dramatic. So she shouts out, "I was there." I was surprised by alittle validation that crept up in me in that moment. To be known is a human desire across the board I think. I caught myself thinking, "That really did happen because she was there and saw it happen." And so an unknown need was satisfied by the three words, "I was there." Anyway, so then Betsey shouts out, "Could you play that song you wrote about dancing?" I typically tie songs and albums to different memories or sections of my life. (ex. Lauryn Hill's The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill most definitely tied to the summer after my sophomore year in high school).

I do the same thing with songs I've written obviously for even more personal reasons. It's kind of two fold though because the song itself is about a past experience or experiences I've had and then secondly, I tie it to what I'm experiencing at the moments around the time I wrote the song. Does that make sense? I find that when a song sort of "falls" out of me, I realize what it's REALLY about after I've written it. Like oh?....oh! haha

so back to the original story......the song about "dancing" Betsey mentioned is the first song I ever wrote called, "Dance." Face value, it's about growing up as the girl who was not asked to dance at the dances. Now before you give me that gross, sad "awwww," on a deeper level it's about realizing I have unmet desires and needs and insecurities and......stuff. Now before you give me another gross, sad "awwww," it has a happy ending. :c) haha not because I'm fixed and have it figured though.....make no mistake! I was a senior in college when I wrote it though so this song also ties me to closing up the chapter of college and being anxious about what that all meant. So Betsey had no idea the flood of emotion she hacked into by surprising me with that request! haha If I know I'm gonna play it, I can prepare the boundaries as necessary.

I remember the first few times I sang "Dance" even for close friends and how I felt like going to put on a winter coat after playing it. I was sharing a side of me that I wasn't quite familiar with yet. "yeah that's me...." :c)

I'm sitting in a coffeeshop in Springfield, MO. A few bands just finished playing and are cleaning up. I think as a musician it's AS important to attend shows as it is to perform shows!! So refreshing and inspiring! Postcards are slowly but surely going out! I won't confirm the recording dates til I've written all the postcards......I've decided that because it's important to me to communicate with all of you. :c) It's AUGUST!!! crazy madness! g'night!

I slightly bicced my front yard today :c)

So I actually love mowing the lawn, but I get around to it maybe once a month....ya know right before the neighborhood sicks city ordinance on me probably. And once a month just doesn't cut it ;) ;) for summer months in Missouri. So tonight, yes Friday night, I pulled out the old push mower from the rusted shed in my backyard and......mowed the lawn. I was having such a nice time that I thought I'd go over the front one more time and cut it shorter so maybe next month it wouldn't be quite the jungle it was today. I dare say I got slightly ambitious and left dirt patches where grass once was..... Tolmi was sitting on the front porch barking at every person that came by. I was listening to Ani DiFranco in one ear because one side on my headphones is dead. With the hum of the mower, I heard something new in her song, "Everest." I could really only hear the bass and the higher notes in her vocal melody. It was reminiscent of Billie Holiday!! Now, I did listen to some Billie today, but it completely caught me by surprise. The bass line held many qualities of the standards Miss Holiday made original, and Ani's higher range has a similarity I never noticed before to Billie's signature sound. hmm

Anway, I gave blood today! The reason that is note-worthy is that I have been trying for YEARS to give blood. I haven't pursued it, but I always sign up when a blood drive is nearby. So many different reasons it hasn't worked in the past......low iron, low iron, low iron, blood clotted before full pint, and last time I tried my heart rate was TOO high! I'm not afraid of needles so it wasn't that I was anxious. The nurse said sometimes people's resting heart rates are too high to give. oh but today, I was a lovely two digits below the disqualifying heart rate. All of that to say......

I'm terribly squemish with bloody situations. I'm not afraid of needles, but seeing blood triggers my gag reflex. So while mowing tonight, probably somewhere on the post-donating sheet "don't"s, I kept nervously expecting my right arm to suddenly start gushing blood like a geyser. I started the push mower using my left arm to avoid the geyser. I had taken the arm band off so I just had a regular bandaid there. I'm very task-oriented and completing tasks pushes me to my limits at times. So i kept glancing down at my arm as I mowed watching a little bit of blood slowly show up on the back of the bandaid. And I felt abit light-headed because I hadn't eaten dinner yet, but I could not stop.

Speaking of task-oriented, I kept thinking of interesting things to type on my blog tonight and there were SOOOOO many :c), but somehow they were all tied together and I didn't know how to only give you a piece so I just started with tonight. Otherwise, this would be terribly longer than it is already! Oh there are so many things I want to say......I guess you'll just have to hang out with me sometime...:c)

I am now the Executive Assistant to the president at my full time job, which means busy busy busy. I LOVE that, but please help me stay on track with my love for music. My friend, Vanessa Benkert, designed some postcards for me. She is going to help me with much of my merchandise/marketing/website designs so the postcards are a taste of that yumminess. Please send me your mailing address if you'd like a postcard from me. Thank you for all of your encouragement and support!!! And I'm still working on confirming recording dates but soon!!

I remember where I was....

My friend, Mike Young, took this picture of me at the gig at the Potter's House, Saturday night.  It was super muggy on the back porch, but for some reason it just seemed right to be out there.  It made me think of my first gig at the PoHo (Potter's House).  I played a show as Beyond the Fleece with "my boys," John Whitaker and Dustin Tompkins. :c)  This was our band name in college at Drury University.  Remembering that lovely time made me think of my first "gig" ever by myself.  I was interning in a tiny town a little drive from Philadelphia, PA called Womelsdorf....yes Womelsdorf. :c)  A short drive down the main drag and you were quickly in Robesonia, PA.   My fellow interns and I found ourselves at a bar in Robesonia called Goodfellas behind the family-owned Italian restaurant, Giannotti's, one night.  When the house band took a smoke break, the owner of the bar came over and asked if any of us could play something because he knew we were all music therapists.  Teryn, the intern that lived in the room next to mine, pointed at me saying, "This girl sings in her room every night!  She's awesome!"  I figured people could hear me sing in my room, but no one had commented on it at that point.  So blushing all the while, the lead singer let me borrow her acoustic and I played my song, "Stare."  Long story short (haha right....), the owner, Andre Giannotti, asked me to play there once a week.  I will never forget that.  I still get nervous every time I play, but this was the childlike fear of new experiences.  I would just come in with a janky microphone and an amp, and sometimes no equipment at all.  haha Thanks to Goodfellas and the Giannottis for that encouragement and support from my very beginning as a wee little artist!  :c)

p.s. I spoke with David Smith of VanSmith Studios.  He gave me several dates to choose from for recording so I'm on my way to cashing in my wonderful, wonderful birthday present!  A friend of mine designed some postcards for me so I will hopefully be mailing those out soon.  I will send some emails and facebook to get correct mailing addresses for all you amazing individuals that inspire and motivate me so much.