Sunday, December 2, 2012

Daddy Issues

I remember listening to John Mayer's song "Daughters," and acknowledging just how good I have it in regards to fathers.  Just like every dad, he's not perfect.  He'd tell you that himself.  But he was always there.  As far back as I can remember, I knew that he said I was beautiful and that he loved me.  I was going through some keepsakes recently and found a letter that he wrote to me on Father's Day one year.  One year, he wrote individual personal letters to each of his children recording all the things he loved about being our Dad.  One powerful line he wrote, "When you disappoint me most, I'm still crazy about you and nothing can ever change that."  Words are sooooo powerful.  Prov 18:21 says "Death and life are in the power of the tongue..." My Dad spoke alot of life in that letter.  He called me confident, a steady learner, witty, and protective of my family and friends just to name a few.  A few other things I notice when thinking back on childhood is that I never felt unsafe in my home.  I mean I got scared of monsters and had bad dreams and stuff, but I was certainly not ever afraid of my Dad and knew him to be the protector of our household.  He was also present at just about every important event in my life.  He placed a priority on pursuing a relationship with his kids.

So in regards to "Daddy Issues," I don't think I have those. :)  I'll have to blame my crazy on something else. haha The reason I've highlighted my relationship with my Dad is because he's been a pretty dang good model of a husband and a father from my perspective.  This is a great thing!  But it has also placed the bar pretty high for strapping young lads that come around.  On top of that, I have a relationship with Jesus Christ, too so my Heavenly Father has some vast input on who I date as well.  I think this plays out in my life as seeming prude-ish and not giving guys a chance or something.  When I get down to the heart of the matter, it's really just that I know what I want and if it's not so-and-so then let's not waste each others' time or hearts on this path.  Right? Is that harsh?  I think it's just honest and respectful.

I've always been pretty direct when I'm really being myself.  I remember at 17 a guy bumbling over his words on the phone to me and then saying, "Do you know what I'm saying?"  And I said, "I think you're trying to say that you like me."  Whew!  I'm glad I was correct that time.  That friendship could've gotten really weird if I'd misunderstood there.  So before writing this post I was recalling all my past crushes in life.  Some that turned into something and some that fizzled to nothing.  There is a difference that stood out to me.  Some crushes were those kind that my brain would leave my head when they walked in the room.  Where suddenly you can't remember your name and words come out of your mouth that you wish you could catch with a napkin and stuff down in your purse.  I would have butterflies in my stomach for hours after seeing them.  But I also had a set of more intellectual crushes.  These guys I could talk to for hours and totally be myself.  I truly missed these crushes when they weren't around because there was a deeper connection between us as far as knowing each other.  I was physically attracted to both types of crushes, but have never had a crush that was both types schmooshed together.

The crush I've had recently is Crush Type #1.  I literally take twice as long at least to do my simple tasks when this guy is around.  He made an observation about me once and I responded, "I guess that's just how I roll."  WHAT?  I do not roll with "that's how I roll" comments.  Also, I am immediately in a giggly mood when he's around.  Then, even when I'm talking to other people when he's nearby, I laugh extra loud.  I feel like that SNL skit with Will Ferrell about that guy who has no control over the loudness of his voice.  I cannot control my loud giggles when he's around.  So my complete loss of composure has been from day one when he started showing up regularly at this one place where I happen to be regularly.  And this guy is extremely attractive.....extremely.  So side note here, I'm not very trendy.  I've always marched to the beat of my own drum I think.  For example when my Mom let me dress myself as a child, my outfits were quite unique and really just mismatched.  In the same way, I think if alot of people are doing something I tend to want to do something else.  When everybody was into Twilight books, I was like, "Nope, never touching that book."  When everybody got into boy bands, I was getting mixed tapes of oldies from my big sister.  Now, when everybody was into hypercolor shirts, I sure did do that. I sure did. :)  All of that to say, I started getting annoyed with myself for having a crush on this typically charming, universally attractive guy.  So then I went through a period of fighting the crush.  This doesn't work well when you can't seem to control the ridiculous crush behavior in the first place.  I suddenly felt like this crush was literally a monkey that climbed onto my head every day, and I had to try to hide it or convince people it was a polar bear.  It made things get weird because I avoided interacting with him when he came around.  At one point, I was struggling so much with what I was doing he said, "You're in your head too much."  So my frustration was definitely noticeable.  I imagine I appeared disgruntled or even constipated for a few months.

What was really terrible of me is to the people I'm around on a regular basis in this situation, I started calling him my "frat boy crush."  This, to me, means "I'm pretty sure I'm not what you're looking for.  And I'm almost certain you aren't what I'm looking for."  Again with the power of words as mentioned above.  I started speaking these things about him, and started believing that he was not of good character and wouldn't like a good girl like me......which really means that I believed he liked bad girls.......which means more things.  All of which I made up in my brain to help myself not have a crush on him.  boo, lee ellen, boo!!!  That ain't right!!! On a bunch of levels!  First of all, DO NOT JUDGE.  Anyway, so the first chunk of time during this crush was me fighting against having a crush and fighting dirty at that!  God was trying to show me that these actions and way of thinking were not His Heart and certainly not helping me or my crush.  At first, I took that as, "Ok, lee ellen, what you really need to do is ask this guy a bunch of questions until you hit a deal breaker."  My next blog will be about that adventure.

Little Music Update:
To be really honest, I have no idea what I'm doing.  Things have been happening, but truthfully I'm finding that out here alot of things don't really "mean" anything.  Alot of roads don't lead to that long-talked about buried treasure with the step-by-step manual of "how to do this."  The good news is I've known I wouldn't be going about life the traditional way from the moment I decided to move to Los Angeles.  I think I'm blazing a trail.  When I think about blazing a trail, it sounds adventurous and brave and new every day.  But maybe just like many things in my life I romanticize my expectations of what it actually is to experience blazing a trail.  Maybe the trail is alot longer than I expected and there are days when all the trees look the same.  Maybe it's important sometimes to let myself go in circles because I will one day need to be very familiar with that piece of the trail.  I'm just here for now and I'm not doing nothing.  But I'm very hopeful for good things whatever they might be.  I'll let you know when something seems to "mean" something or when the trees start to look different ya know.

Thanks for letting me process my madness. :) Yay for Christmas time!!!!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

What have I been up to?

This is a great question.  I'm embarrassed that it has been over a year since I posted anything.  I apologize for running away.  I'm also embarrassed to say that I have written two or three posts that I never published on here.  Sometimes writing feels like a bowler's walk up to the line.  If the walk up is off, you just have to start over.  Deep stuff. ;)

So the last post I published was about things close to my heart.  I find it quite fitting for me that I would share intimately and then skip town for awhile.  One step forward, 365 back....something like that.  Speaking of moving backward or running away, a friend of mine was sharing some advice, and she said, "Find all the points of resignation in your life."  So find all the areas where I want to throw in the towel, where I say this isn't worth it because I'm scared, or I quit so I can start over somewhere else.  Let me be super honest with you.  One of those areas for me is relationships.  I've been single for a long time.  It's what I know.  It's what's familiar.  It's what is comfortable.  It's safe.  And I've been pretty darn good at controlling situations to keep it that way.  I get little crushes here and there.  I still have all those romantic feelings, but I have honed in the skill of squashing feelings and closing off my heart all in the name of "self-control" and "distractions."  I rarely get those crushes that stop me in my tracks.  Those crushes that bust through my system.  I have recently acquired one of those.

For your entertainment and my further processing, I've decided to record my experiences with this man.  Whether it's wrong or right for me to think this, I seriously doubt anything will actually happen with this one.  I will however remind you that this is coming from a perpetually single woman.  :)  I will keep this man anonymous so if you are a close friend/family member that knows his name please respectfully refrain from publicizing that information.  Thank you in advance for your compliance.

So here we go.  Let me first clarify how I perceive myself physically in regards to the opposite sex.  I think I am regarded by men as being "cute."  I think I am considered attractive.  I don't get "noticed," really.  I have a good friend who will also remain anonymous (*wink wink) that has had the opposite experience in this area.  She is regarded as "hot."  She gets ALOT of attention from men.  She's very used to being noticed.  And not in a "look at me, look at me," kind of way, just a factual "i get noticed" kind of way.  I will refrain from using quotation marks as much as possible going forward.  No but really, once when out to dinner my date said, "I don't think you're used to having someone look at you."  That is the truth.  I've gotten used to flying under the radar so it wigs me out to be spotted.  And it's not that I have a poor self image.  I'm just speaking from a history of largely going unnoticed for the most part.  I'm actually pretty thankful for it because it wouldn't be something I enjoy on a regular basis.  Guys, I wore red lipstick for Halloween because I was dressed up as Rosie the Riveter.  I got so much attention from males.  It was so weird!  I was constantly surprised.  I don't know how hot girls do it.  I'm not cut out for all that flirting.  I think I missed the class or seminar on flirting back in the day.  I must have been eating dessert in the cafeteria or practicing the flute in the band room or something.  Anyway, I'll start from the beginning in my next post about this whole crush thing.  Get ready to laugh and probably feel better about yourself. haha :)

God's teaching me alot through this situation specifically and writing it out is revealing more already.  So thanks for letting me air out clothes.

Tiny music update: I'm playing at Room 5 Lounge November 16th at 10pm with Cameron Ernst, a portion of "Peace" (a song on my EP) will be included in a film, I'll be featured in a song on a rap album! good stuff. more details later.

Tolmi update: He's got alot going on. :)