Wednesday, November 14, 2012

What have I been up to?

This is a great question.  I'm embarrassed that it has been over a year since I posted anything.  I apologize for running away.  I'm also embarrassed to say that I have written two or three posts that I never published on here.  Sometimes writing feels like a bowler's walk up to the line.  If the walk up is off, you just have to start over.  Deep stuff. ;)

So the last post I published was about things close to my heart.  I find it quite fitting for me that I would share intimately and then skip town for awhile.  One step forward, 365 back....something like that.  Speaking of moving backward or running away, a friend of mine was sharing some advice, and she said, "Find all the points of resignation in your life."  So find all the areas where I want to throw in the towel, where I say this isn't worth it because I'm scared, or I quit so I can start over somewhere else.  Let me be super honest with you.  One of those areas for me is relationships.  I've been single for a long time.  It's what I know.  It's what's familiar.  It's what is comfortable.  It's safe.  And I've been pretty darn good at controlling situations to keep it that way.  I get little crushes here and there.  I still have all those romantic feelings, but I have honed in the skill of squashing feelings and closing off my heart all in the name of "self-control" and "distractions."  I rarely get those crushes that stop me in my tracks.  Those crushes that bust through my system.  I have recently acquired one of those.

For your entertainment and my further processing, I've decided to record my experiences with this man.  Whether it's wrong or right for me to think this, I seriously doubt anything will actually happen with this one.  I will however remind you that this is coming from a perpetually single woman.  :)  I will keep this man anonymous so if you are a close friend/family member that knows his name please respectfully refrain from publicizing that information.  Thank you in advance for your compliance.

So here we go.  Let me first clarify how I perceive myself physically in regards to the opposite sex.  I think I am regarded by men as being "cute."  I think I am considered attractive.  I don't get "noticed," really.  I have a good friend who will also remain anonymous (*wink wink) that has had the opposite experience in this area.  She is regarded as "hot."  She gets ALOT of attention from men.  She's very used to being noticed.  And not in a "look at me, look at me," kind of way, just a factual "i get noticed" kind of way.  I will refrain from using quotation marks as much as possible going forward.  No but really, once when out to dinner my date said, "I don't think you're used to having someone look at you."  That is the truth.  I've gotten used to flying under the radar so it wigs me out to be spotted.  And it's not that I have a poor self image.  I'm just speaking from a history of largely going unnoticed for the most part.  I'm actually pretty thankful for it because it wouldn't be something I enjoy on a regular basis.  Guys, I wore red lipstick for Halloween because I was dressed up as Rosie the Riveter.  I got so much attention from males.  It was so weird!  I was constantly surprised.  I don't know how hot girls do it.  I'm not cut out for all that flirting.  I think I missed the class or seminar on flirting back in the day.  I must have been eating dessert in the cafeteria or practicing the flute in the band room or something.  Anyway, I'll start from the beginning in my next post about this whole crush thing.  Get ready to laugh and probably feel better about yourself. haha :)

God's teaching me alot through this situation specifically and writing it out is revealing more already.  So thanks for letting me air out clothes.

Tiny music update: I'm playing at Room 5 Lounge November 16th at 10pm with Cameron Ernst, a portion of "Peace" (a song on my EP) will be included in a film, I'll be featured in a song on a rap album! good stuff. more details later.

Tolmi update: He's got alot going on. :)