Tuesday, May 25, 2010

This really isn't a "good" time for me......

Whew guys! It's been awhile as usual. It always seems to be around a month between each post. Life has been so.........different the last few months than the few years before it. I don't know where to start. Well, for one I haven't included much about my faith in this blog up to this point. Get ready because this post is all about my heart, and God is all around and in my heart. I'll try to revise what I'd like to share because I'm afraid I have the gift or curse of long-winded...ness. I love details so I expect others to want to hear them all as well. haha So I'm keeping that in mind just for you. :c)

At the beginning of April, my parents updated all of us (the sibs) on my grandmother's health. She has been "slowing down" slowly for the past few years or so. She just turned 88 in April and has been sharp sharp sharp her whole life. She taught me almost every cards and dominoes games I know currently. And she's quite the competitor so I've also learned from HOW she plays. It makes for pretty rowdy family gatherings. :c) Ok bunny trail of details I know..... So in April we found out that in removing some fluid from her lungs, cancer was found. She has continued "slowing down" but quickly over the last few months. She still recognizes us, but isn't really there much of the time anymore. My Dad's whole side of the family has been focused on her. A few weeks later, I received the call that my Aunt Frances had been taken to the hospital and wasn't expected to live. I'm still not exactly sure what happened in her brain (a brain aneurysm maybe?), but she didn't make it. I've always called her Aunt Frances, but she's actually my Dad's cousin (grandmother's sister's daughter). Uncontrollable tears flooded out for the remainder of that day. So now, I've been confronted with the horror of saying goodbye quickly or not really at all versus the intense pain and confusion of saying goodbye slowly or not really at all. As we covered in the last post, I avoid saying a proper goodbye in most cases. When I know it's coming though, I tend to filter or dampen my emotions to the point that I wonder how much I really do care for the person. When it's a complete surprise, everything comes out in an exhaustive, real expression, which hurts but reminds me how much I really do care for people. meh so we have that intensity going on in the family realm.

I've also been completely unsettled with where I am right now, but I'm still here and have no specific opportunities or direction to go elsewhere. I'm not just speaking in a geographical sense either. I love going to new places so I have to be constantly aware of that desire in order to really make sense of how to best glorify God with my journey because that's ultimately what brings me the most joy and all I want to do. The only direction that has been consistent since January is to finish this EP.

On that note *wink wink*, I never anticipated how difficult it would be to complete this EP AND how difficult it would be to call it finished? I've tried to be really positive about it in status updates and tweets, and it is positive, and I'm SO excited somewhere in here. :c) I think it has turned out really well, but the truth is that it's alot of my heart over the past few years. I mean why do it if it's not real, right? I've just really been confronted with how much of a process artists go through as they release albums. I've noticed it in other artists' music, but am extremely aware of it now. This is just the beginning. I have to let go of the fear that it will be misunderstood or even disliked because it will, but it doesn't change anything about where it came from in me. It makes me think of a lyric by Ani DiFranco, "I build each one of my songs out of glass so you could see me inside of them I suppose, Or you could just leave the image of me in the background I guess, And watch your own reflection superimpose."

Anyway, the most recent change happened today! I've been getting kind of freaked out by my neighbor. She rings my doorbell really late at night with strange things to say, and has "met" me three or four times. That would be okay if I just thought she was a lonely lady that needed to talk, but she has "shady" male characters hanging around her front porch at all hours of the evening. Sorry to use so many quoted words. I'm sure that gets annoying. All that to say, I've been wanting to put in a thirty day notice, but with all this "where am i supposed to be" uncertainty I have yet to do so. A few months ago I had discussed with my landlord possibly moving out at the end of May. He apparently remembered that conversation and called me today to confirm if I was moving out May 31st. I'm moving out May 31st. (See that, I revised out some details there ;) Let's count that up folks, yes, moving out in 6 days and probably to a studio so need to sell some things. Life is crazy. I'm confident this was the right decision. I kind of like craziness.

Ugh! I had great intentions to write about my Aunt's funeral in this blog, which would have been insanely more about God and my heart, but this is already so long! Maybe I'll break my cycle and post again before next month. I'm going to a friend's house to listen to the latest mix on her really nice stereo before I give them the okay to send the EP off for mastering. Every comment here, on youtube, post on my wall, text message of encouragement, view of my videos, subscription to my videos, is deeply felt by this extremely sensitive and sentimental girl. Thank you for believing in me and being SO PATIENT!!!! :c)