Lyrics

Saturday mornings are busy at the coffee shop.  I often sing to myself when it gets crazy and I'm nervous about being slow for impatient customers. (Luckily, we don't have many impatient customers).  This is just one of my many weird habits.  So when I start to get frustrated, I try to think of a silly song or a happy song to psyche myself out of the bleh.  Today I used "Cruise" by Florida Georgia Line.  I was wearing boots so I just stomped around behind the espresso machine.  This song has the lyrics "You make me wanna roll my windows down and cruise."  When driving around, this is definitely a "windows down" kinda song.  I love lyrics.  I don't necessarily love this guy's voice, but I love how country it is.  It makes me sad sometimes when people don't know I'm from the south because I don't have an accent.  I don't know what happened to it.  It comes back when I get really tired.....and when I pray I think. :)  Anyway, I started thinking about the verses to this song.  The first verse is about bikinis, long tan legs, and popping out of water....and I thought hm I could never be this girl.  I have worn bikinis in my life, but I definitely haven't had any memorable or noteworthy popping out of water moments and definitely not any anyone would sing about.  And I have NEVER had tan legs.....maybe when I was 8 and lived at the neighborhood swimming pool.  This makes me bummed because I immediately picture these band members as frat boys on a float trip.  So I get hooked again by the "hook."  That's the chorus for any non-musician readers.  Then, the second verse comes around and the girl jumps in the cab of his truck and says, "Fire it up, let's go get this thing stuck."  The country girl in me is on board with this.  The country girl in me also thinks lift kits are hot.  HAWWWT! :)

I miss rodeos.  I miss driving with the windows down on country roads.  In LA, I always figure I'm poisoning myself and my skin from the smog and exhaust blowing around. I miss country boys.  Although I have come to terms with the fact that I will never look like any of the girls in this song's music video, I think I'm still alright.  I will probably never wear short shorts or midriff tops or find sunglasses that fit my face, but I will dance like a fool for hours and do crazy stuff.......completely sober. no shame. :)

I'm Still Such a Kid

Just when I think I've finally started having some semblance of an adult, I realize I am still such a kid.  Today, I have been waiting all day for some big news.  It's been torturous!! Not because I'm nervous.  I just want to know the decision.  I found out this evening that I will get the final answer tomorrow.  My inner child comes flying out at this point screaming, "I CAN'T SURVIVE ANOTHER MINUTE OF WAITING!!!"  Yet as you see, I am just fine several hours later.  I thought about going to bed at 8pm like a child just so tomorrow would come faster, but I have five million things to do so here I am still awake at 12am.  In all honesty, I would have flown through my to-do list much more quickly had I not had this "waiting" tick tocking in the back of my head.  Waiting one twenty-four hour period is wrecking my productivity and making my stomach shake. (My stomach shakes when I'm anxious and excited.)  I wonder why it's difficult to wait as a kid.  I wonder if the reasoning is the same as adults.  Some of my anticipation today is that I want to make plans and I need to know the decision in order to make plans.  I'm not sure if kids think that way.  It makes me think of Veruca Salt's character in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Veruca Salt: [outside the Chocolate Factory] Daddy, I want to go in.
Mr. Salt: It's 9:59, sweetheart.
Veruca Salt: Make time go faster. 

Why is wanting things so ingrained in us?  And waiting so difficult?  We're supposed to hope and have desires in our hearts, but we also have to have patience.  How do we know what the good desires are and which ones will get us attacked by squirrels and thrown down a garbage chute? Veruca Salt's demise

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Prov. 13:12

So I'm a little heart sick for this decision today, but in the scheme of things I've been a bit heart sick for some time for other hopes deferred.  I think I can handle another day.  :)  I was trying to finish this at midnight yesterday but kept falling asleep.  Did I make you heart sick waiting for my blog post?? hahahahaha I realize I am ridiculous. #beyou I also realize this is not twitter. :)

The Name Game

Short Blog Day 2

So you know how people say, "I can't remember names, but I never forget a face."  That is not me.  I remember names pretty easily.  I love names.  I work at a coffee shop, and we place a great importance on knowing our customers.  I guess I'm a visual learner because once I see your name on a credit card receipt or written or typed anywhere, it's in my memory.  If I say it a couple times soon after seeing it, that solidifies it.

When I was younger and went to my older sister's choir concerts, I would read the program and watch for each soloist.  Once a soloist was singing I would match their face with the name of the soloist in the program.  In high school, several students got small solos.  After that, any time my sister would talk about someone in choir (ex. Mike walked me to class).  Without thinking I would say, "Oh Mike Mankin?"  I don't know why I remember names.  Most people find that endearing I think.  It's nice to be remembered.  But in LA..........people think you must be stalking them.

At the coffee shop the other day, one of our regulars walked in and I said his first and last name without hesitation.  His eyes narrowed and he immediately said, "Did you just say my last name?"  Honest Abe here says, "Oh yeah, I saw it on your credit card receipt."  His eyes widen.  I realize he might actually be concerned so I go into joking mode.  "I also memorized your credit card number and your address."  Three nervous laughs later......it did not go well.

Because names are usually easy for me, it kinda freaks me out when I come across people who's name I cannot seem to remember.  I don't know what makes most names stick and then a few don't.

After my first gig in LA back in June, I went home and wrote down the 46 names of all who attended to thank God for them.  WEIRDY.  I promise I just love names.  If you tell me your full name, my heart will melt alittle because I want to have it in my memory SO BAD.  SERIOUS. 

My name is Lee Ellen Starks.  What's yours?

MacGyver

Short blog Day 1:

It took my cousin and my sister about 5 minutes to convince me that MacGyver was my real Dad when I was little.  They told me a whole story about how he was so busy filming that he had my parents take care of me.  I took this news surprisingly well.  I still loved the Dad I grew up with, but it made total sense to me that my real Dad was off saving the world with gadgets made out of clothes hangers and chewing gum.  I forgave his absence without a second thought, and eagerly started telling people at school about my true family tree.  I'm not sure if I should be more concerned with how easily I was convinced or how good I was at convincing others.

I still think MacGyver is pretty awesome.

He is not my real Dad in case that wasn't clear. :)

I just wrote and recorded the theme song to my friends' new web series Land of Unicorns!  The first episode will be released Thursday, January 31st! Check it out!!! Land of Unicorns

White Blank Page

It's still very daunting every time I start a new post here.  I've often heard writers talk about the blank page or for painters the blank canvas.  There's an excitement to it but also an undercurrent of "someone might see this" anxiety.  And that undercurrent carries the weight of what criticism there might be of my heart.  And then there's the criticism of others as well. :)  As soon as it's written or typed, it exists somewhere.  I think what's more daunting for me is that these are my unsolicited thoughts.  These just roll around in my brain and I type some out from time to time.

In social situations, I've noticed I tend to not volunteer information unless asked.  I'm an open book to an inquisitive person, but to most I'm might seem quiet or private.  So this blog is different in that I just place my fingers on the keyboard and stuff comes out.  I don't plan out what I might say.  It's pretty much a "stream of consciousness," most of the time.

So here goes:

A blank page is comparable to a crush before any dating occurs.  Some pages quickly become the reckless drawing of a kindergartener only to live on the refrigerator for a week or two before accidentally falling in the trash.  Some pages get stared at for ages and pens come as close as they can without leaving a mark time and time again.  Some pages are drawn very intentionally and carefully in effort to recreate a picture drawn in the past.  Some pages have been white for a long time either because the artist has sworn off drawing/writing for awhile or maybe there's never been anything to record.

I've been finding some good supplies.  Purchasing the good kind of pens and paper.  I'd like to draw and write some things so I'm getting myself ready to do so.......as opportunities arise. :)

The crush mentioned in the last few blogs is still around but still a blank page. haha After asking him some questions, I was quickly thrown off to find that I liked his answers.  My "find the red flag" plan was dashed to pieces.  So I will just practice some unconditional love on that one.  True Love certainly never hurts the receiver even if the sentiment isn't returned to the giver.  UN-conditional.

"Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails."  I Corinthians 13:4-8

I have a lot to learn.

I'm going to challenge myself to write a series of short daily blogs in the coming days.  I hope you'll join me by reading along. :)

P.S. I'm singing the National Anthem at the Rock'n'Roll 1/2 Marathon in Pasadena on Feb. 17th.  I started out signing that in my high school gym at games. Life is funny.

Daddy Issues

I remember listening to John Mayer's song "Daughters," and acknowledging just how good I have it in regards to fathers.  Just like every dad, he's not perfect.  He'd tell you that himself.  But he was always there.  As far back as I can remember, I knew that he said I was beautiful and that he loved me.  I was going through some keepsakes recently and found a letter that he wrote to me on Father's Day one year.  One year, he wrote individual personal letters to each of his children recording all the things he loved about being our Dad.  One powerful line he wrote, "When you disappoint me most, I'm still crazy about you and nothing can ever change that."  Words are sooooo powerful.  Prov 18:21 says "Death and life are in the power of the tongue..." My Dad spoke alot of life in that letter.  He called me confident, a steady learner, witty, and protective of my family and friends just to name a few.  A few other things I notice when thinking back on childhood is that I never felt unsafe in my home.  I mean I got scared of monsters and had bad dreams and stuff, but I was certainly not ever afraid of my Dad and knew him to be the protector of our household.  He was also present at just about every important event in my life.  He placed a priority on pursuing a relationship with his kids.

So in regards to "Daddy Issues," I don't think I have those. :)  I'll have to blame my crazy on something else. haha The reason I've highlighted my relationship with my Dad is because he's been a pretty dang good model of a husband and a father from my perspective.  This is a great thing!  But it has also placed the bar pretty high for strapping young lads that come around.  On top of that, I have a relationship with Jesus Christ, too so my Heavenly Father has some vast input on who I date as well.  I think this plays out in my life as seeming prude-ish and not giving guys a chance or something.  When I get down to the heart of the matter, it's really just that I know what I want and if it's not so-and-so then let's not waste each others' time or hearts on this path.  Right? Is that harsh?  I think it's just honest and respectful.

I've always been pretty direct when I'm really being myself.  I remember at 17 a guy bumbling over his words on the phone to me and then saying, "Do you know what I'm saying?"  And I said, "I think you're trying to say that you like me."  Whew!  I'm glad I was correct that time.  That friendship could've gotten really weird if I'd misunderstood there.  So before writing this post I was recalling all my past crushes in life.  Some that turned into something and some that fizzled to nothing.  There is a difference that stood out to me.  Some crushes were those kind that my brain would leave my head when they walked in the room.  Where suddenly you can't remember your name and words come out of your mouth that you wish you could catch with a napkin and stuff down in your purse.  I would have butterflies in my stomach for hours after seeing them.  But I also had a set of more intellectual crushes.  These guys I could talk to for hours and totally be myself.  I truly missed these crushes when they weren't around because there was a deeper connection between us as far as knowing each other.  I was physically attracted to both types of crushes, but have never had a crush that was both types schmooshed together.

The crush I've had recently is Crush Type #1.  I literally take twice as long at least to do my simple tasks when this guy is around.  He made an observation about me once and I responded, "I guess that's just how I roll."  WHAT?  I do not roll with "that's how I roll" comments.  Also, I am immediately in a giggly mood when he's around.  Then, even when I'm talking to other people when he's nearby, I laugh extra loud.  I feel like that SNL skit with Will Ferrell about that guy who has no control over the loudness of his voice.  I cannot control my loud giggles when he's around.  So my complete loss of composure has been from day one when he started showing up regularly at this one place where I happen to be regularly.  And this guy is extremely attractive.....extremely.  So side note here, I'm not very trendy.  I've always marched to the beat of my own drum I think.  For example when my Mom let me dress myself as a child, my outfits were quite unique and really just mismatched.  In the same way, I think if alot of people are doing something I tend to want to do something else.  When everybody was into Twilight books, I was like, "Nope, never touching that book."  When everybody got into boy bands, I was getting mixed tapes of oldies from my big sister.  Now, when everybody was into hypercolor shirts, I sure did do that. I sure did. :)  All of that to say, I started getting annoyed with myself for having a crush on this typically charming, universally attractive guy.  So then I went through a period of fighting the crush.  This doesn't work well when you can't seem to control the ridiculous crush behavior in the first place.  I suddenly felt like this crush was literally a monkey that climbed onto my head every day, and I had to try to hide it or convince people it was a polar bear.  It made things get weird because I avoided interacting with him when he came around.  At one point, I was struggling so much with what I was doing he said, "You're in your head too much."  So my frustration was definitely noticeable.  I imagine I appeared disgruntled or even constipated for a few months.

What was really terrible of me is to the people I'm around on a regular basis in this situation, I started calling him my "frat boy crush."  This, to me, means "I'm pretty sure I'm not what you're looking for.  And I'm almost certain you aren't what I'm looking for."  Again with the power of words as mentioned above.  I started speaking these things about him, and started believing that he was not of good character and wouldn't like a good girl like me......which really means that I believed he liked bad girls.......which means more things.  All of which I made up in my brain to help myself not have a crush on him.  boo, lee ellen, boo!!!  That ain't right!!! On a bunch of levels!  First of all, DO NOT JUDGE.  Anyway, so the first chunk of time during this crush was me fighting against having a crush and fighting dirty at that!  God was trying to show me that these actions and way of thinking were not His Heart and certainly not helping me or my crush.  At first, I took that as, "Ok, lee ellen, what you really need to do is ask this guy a bunch of questions until you hit a deal breaker."  My next blog will be about that adventure.

Little Music Update:
To be really honest, I have no idea what I'm doing.  Things have been happening, but truthfully I'm finding that out here alot of things don't really "mean" anything.  Alot of roads don't lead to that long-talked about buried treasure with the step-by-step manual of "how to do this."  The good news is I've known I wouldn't be going about life the traditional way from the moment I decided to move to Los Angeles.  I think I'm blazing a trail.  When I think about blazing a trail, it sounds adventurous and brave and new every day.  But maybe just like many things in my life I romanticize my expectations of what it actually is to experience blazing a trail.  Maybe the trail is alot longer than I expected and there are days when all the trees look the same.  Maybe it's important sometimes to let myself go in circles because I will one day need to be very familiar with that piece of the trail.  I'm just here for now and I'm not doing nothing.  But I'm very hopeful for good things whatever they might be.  I'll let you know when something seems to "mean" something or when the trees start to look different ya know.

Thanks for letting me process my madness. :) Yay for Christmas time!!!!

What have I been up to?

This is a great question.  I'm embarrassed that it has been over a year since I posted anything.  I apologize for running away.  I'm also embarrassed to say that I have written two or three posts that I never published on here.  Sometimes writing feels like a bowler's walk up to the line.  If the walk up is off, you just have to start over.  Deep stuff. ;)

So the last post I published was about things close to my heart.  I find it quite fitting for me that I would share intimately and then skip town for awhile.  One step forward, 365 back....something like that.  Speaking of moving backward or running away, a friend of mine was sharing some advice, and she said, "Find all the points of resignation in your life."  So find all the areas where I want to throw in the towel, where I say this isn't worth it because I'm scared, or I quit so I can start over somewhere else.  Let me be super honest with you.  One of those areas for me is relationships.  I've been single for a long time.  It's what I know.  It's what's familiar.  It's what is comfortable.  It's safe.  And I've been pretty darn good at controlling situations to keep it that way.  I get little crushes here and there.  I still have all those romantic feelings, but I have honed in the skill of squashing feelings and closing off my heart all in the name of "self-control" and "distractions."  I rarely get those crushes that stop me in my tracks.  Those crushes that bust through my system.  I have recently acquired one of those.

For your entertainment and my further processing, I've decided to record my experiences with this man.  Whether it's wrong or right for me to think this, I seriously doubt anything will actually happen with this one.  I will however remind you that this is coming from a perpetually single woman.  :)  I will keep this man anonymous so if you are a close friend/family member that knows his name please respectfully refrain from publicizing that information.  Thank you in advance for your compliance.

So here we go.  Let me first clarify how I perceive myself physically in regards to the opposite sex.  I think I am regarded by men as being "cute."  I think I am considered attractive.  I don't get "noticed," really.  I have a good friend who will also remain anonymous (*wink wink) that has had the opposite experience in this area.  She is regarded as "hot."  She gets ALOT of attention from men.  She's very used to being noticed.  And not in a "look at me, look at me," kind of way, just a factual "i get noticed" kind of way.  I will refrain from using quotation marks as much as possible going forward.  No but really, once when out to dinner my date said, "I don't think you're used to having someone look at you."  That is the truth.  I've gotten used to flying under the radar so it wigs me out to be spotted.  And it's not that I have a poor self image.  I'm just speaking from a history of largely going unnoticed for the most part.  I'm actually pretty thankful for it because it wouldn't be something I enjoy on a regular basis.  Guys, I wore red lipstick for Halloween because I was dressed up as Rosie the Riveter.  I got so much attention from males.  It was so weird!  I was constantly surprised.  I don't know how hot girls do it.  I'm not cut out for all that flirting.  I think I missed the class or seminar on flirting back in the day.  I must have been eating dessert in the cafeteria or practicing the flute in the band room or something.  Anyway, I'll start from the beginning in my next post about this whole crush thing.  Get ready to laugh and probably feel better about yourself. haha :)

God's teaching me alot through this situation specifically and writing it out is revealing more already.  So thanks for letting me air out these.........new clothes.

Tiny music update: I'm playing at Room 5 Lounge November 16th at 10pm with Cameron Ernst, a portion of "Peace" (a song on my EP) will be included in a film, I'll be featured in a song on a rap album! good stuff. more details later.

Tolmi update: He's got alot going on. :)