Pride is the opposite of humility.....

Some stuff I've been reading......

"When Jesus tells us to love our enemies, He Himself will give us the love with which to do it. We are neither factories nor reservoirs of His love, only channels. When we understand that, all excuse for pride is eliminated." -Corrie Ten Boom

"But the consummation of the marriage does not come to pass until the soul is so melted, annihilated, and freed from self that she can unreservedly flow into God. Then that admirable fusion of created and Creator is accomplished, which brings them into unity, so to speak, though with the same infinite disproportion that exists between a single drop of water and the ocean. The drop has become ocean yet it forever remains a little drop, though it has become assimilated in character with the waters of the ocean, and is therefore fit to be mingled with it and to make but one ocean with it." -Madame Jeanne Guyon

“Son of man, I have broken the arm of Pharaoh king of Egypt, and behold, it has not been bound up, to heal it by binding it with a bandage, so that it may become strong to wield the sword. Therefore thus says the Lord God: Behold, I am against Pharaoh king of Egypt and will break his arms, both the strong arm and the one that was broken, and I will make the sword fall from his hand." Ezekiel 30:21-22

I'm reading these three books at the same time. One day they all matched up on the subject of pride. Suddenly, I saw pride popping up all over the place in my life. I realized that in most cases of pride personally, I am simply using it to mask different fears. In response, I've been attacking fears lately. It's exhausting but worth it!

Anywho, I have been busy with weddings, visiting family in Kansas City, surviving in LA, making new friends out here (yay!), having old friends visit (yay yay!!), and helping with my ten year high school reunion. yes.......Here's a pic of me in junior high on the dance team. I'll let you guess which one is me. :) I could not attend the reunion since it was back in Arkansas and I'm in California, but had the opportunity to try and round up as many of our classmates as possible. I don't have a yearbook with me out here so this was quite a task. As I reconnected with several high school classmates, I recognized that I could only think of them as the eighteen year old version of themselves. For some, I have obviously kept in touch and still know them today but others I only saw through high school graduation. I found out that ten of my classmates have passed away. That's one per year. I only had around 300 in my class so I at the very least knew everyone's face. How much does everyone change in ten years? It made me wonder how much I've changed since high school. Me as an eighteen year old vs. Me as a twenty-eight year old. Yeeeeeeesh. I've lived with the changes so they don't seem as significant or drastic, but I hope someone that knew me at eighteen would notice changes in me now. I just thought of how everyone writes in your yearbook "Don't ever change." Oops! haha

I have to confess that I was kind of glad that I couldn't get back home for the reunion. I haven't taken one of the normal routes at this point in life. I didn't get plugged in to a career and climb the corporate ladder and I haven't gotten married either. Not to stereotype too much but being from the South, most of my classmates have done one or both of these by this age. Many of the girls have multiple children!!! So the "What have you been up to for the last ten years?" question seems quite daunting. I don't have a short, chit-chat, answer for that question. Yet again, pride rears its ugly head because I fear that I haven't "done" enough with my life. :( I do wish I could go and ask all of them tons of questions because I like listening to people. But I'm pretty sure I couldn't dodge every question directed at me.

I have been playing a few more gigs here as well! Here's a video of me performing a WIP (work in progress) at one of my recent shows! Enjoy! Thanks for stopping by! If you want to connect with me elsewhere online, check out my website! It has all the links to my other social media. www.leeellenstarks.com G'night!

Caution: Not for the Faint-hearted!!

**The reading of this post may cause convulsions, vomiting, and/or night terrors**

Let me just tell you a few things. Several readers that know me have found it comforting that I blog exactly the way I talk. Well, this blog will be no exception. Sometimes I say things that some find inappropriate or taboo. Consider yourself warned, but this is not a disclaimer....I claim these statements. :)

So Tolmi's favorite plundering item to find is the bathroom trash. Yes, we're going there. I have lived with him four years and therefore have a trash with a lid in the bathroom. My poor roommate has been learning this lesson the hard way because her bathroom trash has no lid. He's very ninja-like in his stealth speed, jetting into her room oh so quietly and digging til he finds the "prize" item. He has to leave the crime scene quickly though so he carries his (every word I'm thinking of right here grosses me out) ________ into a well-traveled area concealed neatly inside his mouth. It's only when he decides to disassemble it that the full horror of the situation is realized. I have reached into Tolmi's mouth for many things I really don't want to touch. Partly because I don't know what they might do to his insides, but mostly because I don't really want to see them come out the other end. I distinctly remember pulling one of these items out of his mouth yesterday because a few minutes later he wanted me to pet his face and I said, "No, you just sucked on a bloody tampon." Yep, that's what I said. A sentence I never planned on saying in my life.

Later that afternoon at the dog park, Tolmi starts to do his "business" as we call it. I notice about six inches of "business" hanging from his bottom as he runs from the place he squatted. He's freaking out a bit because this doesn't usually happen. This causes his muscles to flex and more "business" comes out. If you can imagine at this point, Tolmi has about two feet of "business" in a rope or monkey tail of sorts hanging out of his bottom. He is frollicking and spinning around trying to chase his second "tail" to disconnect it. I am holding the tools at the dog park commonly used to pick up after your dog. One looks like a scoop attached to a pole and the other looks like a hoe. I'm running around after him to hopefully with some athletic talent I don't possess masterfully detach the "business" from his bottom with the hoe tool. He stopped long enough for me to do this the first time. But.....it happened THREE times!!! Luckily I guess, somehow he worked the other two out himself. What a spectacle though. Tolmi growing a second tail at the dog park three times and me, running after him saying, "What did you eat?" My roommate later confirmed that he ate a trash item before she could retrieve it. I know this happens in some form to most pet owners at one time or another. My sister's German Shepherd once ate a whole roll of paper towels and her bottom was like a dispenser for the next few days. My brother had a cat that got into some dental floss.....and yeah....ew. Oh Tolms......the things we do for love. haha

So I've been driving around in Los Angeles. The other day I was thinking, "Hey, I think I'm starting to relax behind the wheel here now." I went into this whole thought process about how crazy it is that we all trust each other driving around in these huge metal boxes. We trust that we will drive well and not cause accidents, but even moreso we trust that total strangers will follow the rules enough to not crash into us. Or that someone won't throw in the towel and decide to play bumper cars on purpose. Not kidding, as I'm thinking this I'm driving on a four lane street. I'm driving south in the left lane. A convertible traveling north suddenly pulls out of the north-bound left lane into my south-bound lane. I went into frozen mode for a second and he PASSES me in the south-bound right lane!!! The overpass to get on the 101 was right behind me so I don't know how that all turned out, but WHAT??? He looked so calm! I don't know if I explained this accurately, but it was one of those "Am I awake right now?" moments.

In other news, I'm making great first impressions left and right in my role as barista at M Street Coffee these days. True story/true conversation:

Customer orders her regular and places her backpack on the counter to retrieve money to pay.

Me: Threeeee Twenty-fiiiiiiive (in a thick Southern accent)
Customer: (stares/glares at me for a moment) Are you being an asshole right now?
Me: What? I just said three twenty-five.
Customer: Oh I thought you looked at my bag and said, "reeeeeally expensive baaaaag." (rude tone, thick with sarcasm) I mean I know it's a cheap bag, but. I was like wow, they changed the overall vibe here with the remodel. (sidenote: we just reopened from being closed two weeks for a remodel)
Me: (completely blushing with embarrassment) Oh no no no. (Laughing off the awkwardness)

Awesome first impression.

I told my boss and the next time the customer came in she brought it up to her. We all laughed about it. Mine was a partially scared laugh. The customer commented on how it was so strange because she literally thought I said, "really expensive bag," then made eye contact with her, and smiled sweetly. She said she thought, "What is this chick a serial killer?" Yikes! haha That dang creepy cute factor follows me wherever I go. So yeah, don't you worry about me....I'm making creepy, rude impressions all over the place.

Speaking of creepy, I do not watch scary movies. It's like knowing eating cashews makes you break out in hives. Who would eat cashews on purpose if they know hives will inevitably show up? I cannot handle scary movies, even stupid scary. My imagination runs wild with plot lines and twists and eventually everything scary that could happen in and around my life has crossed my mind. I watched a movie from my roommate's DVD collection recently that I thought would be a sad story with a redemptive ending from reading the back. NOT SO! Suddenly a twist in the story includes a serial killer and several graphic images. Where is the "trash" file in my brain? Not only was it scary, the ending doesn't ever resolve. That's the only hope for me in these situations. If I start watching something scary, I have to watch to the end in hopes that resolution occurs. Meh, anyway.......no scary movies for me please. I'm sick of getting hives!

Next things on my to do list:
1) Gig this Saturday in Bell Gardens, CA. I don't really know what to expect. They booked me off GigSalad (http://www.gigsalad.com/lee_ellen_starks_springfield). And yes, I've thought of every horrible possible scenario due to my recent cinematic undertaking. Don't worry, I will walk in there mace first. It's another night with several musicians so I look forward to meeting more people!
2) Befriend a person living in the building next door with a pool in their courtyard. I've heard scary stories about summer in the Valley.....
3) Attend a Songwriting Workshop! I've never had any formal training in songwriting so I'm excited and terrified about this! It's on May 4th so coming up!
4) Embark on a new project with some new friends creating a marketable product that involves me getting out the old sewing machine. :D :D :D
5) Stop eating Easter candy......stop.........ok now stop.....shoot

See I ended with candy so it was okay, right? Whoa, I just read over this. This post makes me think of that time when snakes started flying out of my lawn mower! This blog post=definition of a scatterbrain


Ok go watch this video. It'll relax you from my silliness. I love the part at minute 3:10. :) Goodnight!

Dream a Little Dream....

I started a long post with this, but......I'm feeling quiet.

I'm on a mission out here.....a treasure hunt.....an adventure.......a quest....and it's taking me down different paths than I expected. Nice paths though where the trees bend over the road on each side, and I can see the stars out (even in LA) while walking in the cool of the evening.....I like puzzles, but I also like surprises.....so I'm trying to balance out my logic and anticipation of what's around the bend. Nice paths though.

I don't know what you like, but I wanted to give you a present. I decided I would put this little good night video only on this blog. I hope you like it. Thanks for checking in.

Leah Lynn, Lee Jane, Ellen, Lou Ellen, Lee Something......

I'm the new person all the time these days. I've shaken so many hands and clearly enunciated my name too many times to count in the past month. I'm here.....in California. Too much has happened since I last blogged, and I keep meaning to record a brief (haha right?) summary of it here. Honestly, it has become too daunting. I'm too chronological and detailed and we'd easily have a novel in the works. To save time on writing, perfecting, editing, revising, editing, sending to publishers, cover artwork, publishing, printing, pricing, distribution......I'm just gonna give you the good stuff. Here are a few of my favorite things about my life in LA so far.

1)My Dad came to my rescue in Amarillo. Okay this was pre-LA, but certainly the reason I made it here. He literally wore his "Dad's Rescue Service" shirt depicted on

the right. Long story of car trouble, but he drove all night to come help. What amazing parents I have. This was the tip of realizing how hard it would actually be to leave all my friends and family. The Grand Canyon (below),as amazing as it was/is, seemed to further symbolize the growing distance.

2) I have a new roommate! I had somehow forgotten what a quirky, okay really just weird at times, social introvert I am. I was settled in to a community for years that knew my quirks and somehow forgot they do still exist and ultimately are quirks. She has put up with me with such grace. Living with someone truly is like having someone hold up a mirror. Eeeek! Communication IS key. It has been so great to be on this adventure with another person! Sometimes we just go, "We live in California now?!?"

3)Dog Parks or should I say Tolmi's ALL TIME FAVORITE thing about the move has been the dog park. It has been my

saving grace or my sanity saver or something. I think if I had waited one more day Tolmi would've literally climbed the walls of our apartment. I think I've mentioned before that I'm pretty sure in human form Tolmi would be jock or a cool kid. It's been fun to see him strut his stuff around the other dogs. Unfortunately, he tends to be the annoying one that humps all the dogs. Yeeeesh! I've been schooling myself abit in selflessness, and I've failed alot in the area of attitude. When Tolmi wants to pee, I'm not in Missouri where I can open a door and let him frollick in a fenced yard. I have to drag myself out of bed, clothe myself, shoe myself, leash Tolms, and grab my keys, my phone, and a poo bag all while Tolmi is doing the kidney dance around me. For those who know me well, this is quite alot of activity in my first fifteen minutes of the day. I'm still learning the selflessness lesson....but I love my Tolmers.

4) There's a house at the end of my alley. Our strip is mostly apartment buildings, but there is one house on the end. It has a garage that faces the alley. Often right before sundown, an older gentleman has the garage open revealing this beautiful old car. I know almost nothing about cars, but it looks like a Model T to my car-ignorant brain. I like to make up stories about he and the car as I walk by. I always try to make eye contact and say, "Hi," but he never looks up. Maybe some time I'll share one of those stories with you, but not now. :)

5) I love having my own bathroom. Most of you know baths are my stress reliever. I take one almost every night. So I need not explain much about loving my bathroom. It goes without saying for me. It's not an amazing bathroom, but I love it. Every night, I think about painting a sky scene on the high ceiling. Maybe when my painter friend comes to visit.

6) Walking to and from work. It's great thinking time and the scenery is obviously beautiful! I find myself often feeling pretty whimsical when outside here. I equally love the roof access in my building for this very reason. Here are a few of the palm trees that line the streets in my neighborhood.

7) Speaking of walking to work, I LOVE my new job. I love it because of the girls I work with though. They really make the place what it is. The vibe is so welcoming and home-y. It is such a blessing to get to call these girls friends. And the regulars are pretty awesome too. I am surrounded by creative people, and it's inspiring to say the least. Check out this place! www.mstreetcoffee.com If you live in LA, have a favorite coffee shop, and haven't been to M Street, you have not considered the best coffee shop in the area. And I'm a bit of a coffee snob after working in several cafes. When I moved to LA, I kept thinking, "I just need to find something to pay the bills right away." This place has already done so much more than "pay the bills." I can't say enough about my pleasant surprise in this part of life out here.

Ok there's so much more, but those are just a few of my favorite things. When I wait too long to write, I get very task oriented and lose the natural flow usually captured in recording a vivid experience in writing. To be honest, I fear this has happened here. As far as this list of my favorite things, I have watched The Sound of Music since childhood and still have a VHS of the movie. "When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things, and then I don't feel so bad" are some lyrics from a song in the movie. I have thought of this a couple of times during this transition, and it does help. This move to LA has been so good for the majority of all the parts. To tie in what I mentioned about realizing how hard it would be to move SO far from friends and family, I have been living that reality out for the last month. I have been confronted with the ache and loss of knowing and being known by people. I have completely started over in the friend area. I've done this several times in the past, but never with this much self awareness I guess. I know myself better today than any of my previous days. Due to this, I am keenly aware that I don't ever walk into a situation here without foundation to lay. Sure, some of it is just small talk with acquaintances, but most of it is "what do you..where do you....when did you...you like what?" My parents visited me recently, and I experienced that deep sigh kind of relaxation you have with people that know you.....really know you....without questions....it's already all been discussed. So for an introvert that loves quality time and quality conversation, I've been tapped out socially from meeting so many people but craving that deeper level stuff, ya know? Remembering all the good things listed above makes waiting for the friendships to develop bearable. :)

Quick interlude depicting one of my "pockets of shyness".....some musicians come regularly to the coffee shop. The owner introduced me to them as a singer/songwriter. They asked for my website so i wrote it down for them. The next week they came back for their Americanos. I assumed they had not checked out my website because the "no response" happens alot. As I handed one his drink, he said he checked out my website and that I have a great voice. I quickly shifted my eyes elsewhere, probably blushed, said "oh thanks...", and moved behind the espresso machine out of his line of vision. What am I, five?? Ugh, you'd think I'd never received a compliment before in my life! Professionalism, zero! Yikes! Where does that come from? So yes, one of my many "pockets of shyness" moments.

Here's to hoping I'm having more success in other music situations in this town.... I'm playing my first gig during an Artwalk in Newhall, CA on Thursday, April 7th at 5pm. I'll be at El Trocadero along with several other songwriters who will be performing throughout the evening.

All in all, I am safe, alive, and much more than well. I have my

heart set on recording some vivid experiences for you soon.....in word and in song. Thanks to everyone that has checked in on me via phone, skype, text, message, wall post, comment, etc. They have all been very timely and greatly appreciated. I make thank you gifts for you in my head, but I realize not everyone wants quilts, mixed tapes, and peanut brittle. I'm uploading a live performance on my youtube channel: leeellenstarks right now, but it's taking five years so set your watches for five years and check it. G'night!

ummmm........hm

Near the Griffith Observatory in LA

I'm moving........to........

So I've been listening to the radio ALOT! The CD player in my vehicle is not working, and, like sushi, I continue to give mainstream music a good solid effort. For those of you familiar with "what's on," I'm baffled that currently Rihanna cannot remember her name.... I do try to sing along with Katy Perry's "Firework," but break into giggles during the chorus every time......"ah..ah..ah...hahahah." It works like that belly laugh game for me, which the goal is not to laugh but usually everyone does. If at least one person knows the game I'm referencing, this moment has been a success. And believe me, the radio goes "Back to December ALL THE TIME," thanks to Miss Swift. I don't hate most of these songs. The volume goes up when a bright spot like Mumford & Sons', "Little Lion Man" comes on....once a week or so. The songs that are repeated SO often are just not usually songs I would......repeat? Aside from that, recently I've noticed an increased play of Leona Lewis', "Bleeding Love." My theory is that radio stations do that when someone is about to come out with something new. I will listen to songs like this one and Jordin Sparks', "Battlefield" solely for the moment where the beat changes. In "Battlefield," this moment occurs when she sings, "You better go and get your armor." I love to feel the song become more fluid and it almost feels like slow motion. To me, it's the same experience when the landing gear on an airplane loses contact with the runway at takeoff. Or when a horse is trotting and breaks into a canter.

I was thinking about all of this in the car the other day and remembered a story. I rode horses alot growing up. I'm kind of an urban cowgirl though. I can't claim full authenticity. :) So this one time, my mom, dad, sister, and I were on a trail ride near our house. My sister and I were riding horses that weren't ours. If I remember correctly, there names were "Petey" and "Zach." I was in the front, and Sarah Beth was behind me followed by my parents. The horses knew the trails so well that they know when you are heading back to the barn. Our ride began right before they were usually fed every night. We were just taking a leisurely trail ride and enjoying the scenery. Suddenly, Petey blasts off like I kicked him in the flanks with spurs. I knew my parents didn't want their horses to run so I tried to slow him down. For those of you well-versed in horses, you have to "show them who's boss" or they will "try" you the entire ride. So I was doing everything I had been taught to get him to stop but to no avail. Somewhere deep inside I didn't mind it though because I love when horses canter (run). On a trail ride, horses typically follow the leader so all four horses were running. My parents were yelling at me to stop, and my sister and I were laughing uncontrollably (problem #1) while trying to stop our horses. When trying to get a horse under control in my experience, they typically walk sideways and buck alittle bit. Well in this case, he was running sideways back and forth on a narrow trail but luckily not bucking. My parents got their horses to stop, but my sister was still right behind me. At this point, I realized the horses knew it was dinnertime and they wanted to be ON TIME! I asked my sister if she was okay to keep running, and she said she was so finally I just pushed my heels down and enjoyed the ride. The horse knew exactly where he was going and knew the trail better than I did. My sister and I just laughed like maniacs all the way back to the barn. This is how I feel about the subject to this post. I have tried everything to get control of this move.....control of my next step......control of where I'm going. I've decided that I trust the horse. My horse knows where He's going and knows the trail much better than I do.

I'M MOVING TO LOS ANGELES!!! And I will not be late for dinner..... :c)

5, 4, 3, 2, 1......

I've been thinking about how I remember things from childhood or even how a child retells a story. Unless someone tells me the full story, I remember strange fragments and clips. It's interesting what you recall years later.

I'm a sucker for live performances. I love the emotion in the moment. As for Burgundy Shoes by Patty Griffin, I prefer the studio version. I'm not certain of the intent or the origin for her of this song, but I always think of her either telling this story as a child or recalling a memory from childhood. I love how she references what she was wearing, how the seat felt on the bus, and the main line is "sun." As you ride a bus, what do you do? Look out the window. :) The middle section of this song brings tears to my eyes and she's just saying "sun." To be completely honest, I passed over this song at first because I thought the intro piano part sounded a bit like a Richard Marx throwback. : / Lucky for me as with most new music, I listen through the album completely once. I usually get stuck on one or two. After I wear those tracks out, I typically revisit the remainder and find a few more that I love. This was one of those remnants for me. I've added the lyrics to the end of this post.

It makes me think of how I remember things from childhood. I experienced my first Christmas not waking up Christmas morning with all of my cousins at my grandparent's home this year. It was strange and didn't feel at all like Christmas. For 26 years, I have waited at the top of the stairs with all of my cousins in age order on Christmas morning intently listening for the "ok" for us to trample down the stairs into the basement and open presents. Yes in my family until you have children, you are still considered one of the kids. :) I remember how huge the basement seemed when I was little. I had these roller skates that attached to your tennis shoes. I would skate around for what seemed like hours down there (probably more like ten minutes), and it felt just like a skating rink. I laugh when I think of how much smaller it actually is. My grandparents have owned that house since my Dad was seven. I love family history and family traditions and family trees. I was exhausted driving home over thanksgiving so I went through as much of my family tree as I could remember in my head and successfully stayed awake. I know.....weirdy.

I went to a Christmas Eve service this year by myself, and it felt like a scene out of a movie where the character feels lonely so every place they look are happy families, a Dad picking up his daughter, a Mom hugging her son, a husband with his arm around his wife. It was all I could do to focus on the biblical story of the birth of Jesus during the service with my head swimming of family. I thought of Mary and Joseph. I know historically December 25th isn't the actual birthday of Christ, but it is when we celebrate it. Taking that into account, Mary and Joseph were away from both of their families too and probably for the first time. I can't help but wonder what they must have thought about all the changes...how selfless they had to be. I can learn alot from that. That strange change in tradition was overwhelmingly blended with my sister having a baby on December 17th!! Talk about two different ends of the spectrum!! It has been quite the buffer to the first half of this paragraph. I can't believe how much I instantly love him. It's difficult to imagine how my sister must feel about him. He's literally mesmerizing. I just stare at him.....haha hopefully I'm not completely and creepily alone in that.... So this Christmas was different than any other in sad AND joyful ways.

It's almost 2011 which yada yada makes us all review the previous year. So much has happened and changed in 2010 for me. I never feel like I've done enough, but it is startling to think of how my life looked January 1st 2010 in comparison to a few days from now. I have rewritten this sentence three times: It is quite possible that I will be moving in February. :c) Stay tuned....I will let you know details when I'm good and ready ;) Happy New Year!! I have high hopes for 2011. You too?


Lyrics to Burgundy Shoes by Patty Griffin

We wait for the bus that's going to Bangor
In my plaid dress and burgundy shoes
In your red lipstick and lilac kerchief
You're the most pretty lady in the world
Sun

The bus driver smiles, a dime and a nickel
We climb on our seats, the vinyl is cold
"Michelle ma belle", the song that you loved then
You hold my hand and sing to yourself
Sun sun

The leaves are green and new like a baby
Tulips are red, now I don't miss the snow
It's the first day I don't wear my big boots
You hold my hand, I've got burgundy shoes
Burgundy shoes, burgundy shoes
Sun

Say What You Need To Say....

I walked in the park with Tolmi on Sunday afternoon. It was really stunning. The park was packed with people. I did a fair share of people watching and speculating the lives I saw from these tiny moments of observation. The trees were singing and beautifully ridden with fall colors. I disagree with the idea of an "Indian Summer." We have just had some beautiful fall days with toasty warm afternoons. :c) I felt strangely connected to all the people in the park that day. Each eye contact made seemed to express we were all a part of something and new we were exactly where we should be at that moment. There was a peacefulness to it despite Tolmi's relentless speed. I have had other moments in life that I knew I was exactly where I should be. The blessing of these moments almost begs you to stay, but it's also in these moments that it can be so clear when it's time to move. (sidenote: my friend, Dominic, says hi. :)) So Tolms and I walked around with all of our "old" friends, smiling with familiarity. I sat on the pavilion steps to watch the sunset or the beginning of it. Tolmi sat still for the beginning, but had only so much restraint for the twelve squirrels scampering around in the grass. Ha it was no longer "our time" to be there apparently so we ventured off.

It's been a bit of that "Say What You Need To Say" stuff for me lately. It may not be in the original intent of the Mayer song, but important nonetheless. I've learned quite alot about my specific personality and also working with others through the different jobs I've had. My last job held this in high regard. We had team meetings almost quarterly about this subject. I learned some things I like about myself as well as things I dislike. One thing I know to be true about me is that if I make a verbal promise to you as small as it may be, it is as strong in my mind as a written contract that I've signed...in bloooood. haha no but really....not that I haven't broken promises or let people down, but it bothers me more than it even should probably. So why is this important for you to know.....why is anything I blog about important? haha It isn't, but I read blogs because I like to know people. A blog is not as satisfying as a face to face conversation, but the clips of thoughts give some insight to add to the quilt that represents you in my brain. Ah back to promises or even things I say... This fact about me makes what I say and don't say pretty important. When I'm ready to set a goal or consider a big decision, I start telling a few people to make it real and to start holding myself accountable to it. In that way, I NEED to say things to you so that I make a pact with myself to do it. In a strange way even though those I tell may not know it, I think that they are expecting me to do it because I said it as well. All of this adds up to better odds that I will reach my goals and make my decisions.

In telling people your goals and things you are considering, you also welcome advice, opinions, encouragement, and discouragement. This is the other side of "Say What You Need To Say." I welcome thoughts from others. I don't feel pressured or obligated to follow any advice, but I definitely consider these things. I'm a slow processor so it may take me a bit to "say" those things myself if I choose to agree with you. :) This part also lends itself to Glen Hansard's "Say It To Me Now." I'd rather your feelings and thoughts be expressed than withheld to my detriment or yours. Sometimes tough stuff needs to be said out of love. It will always come back to love if the original intent starts there.

So I've been doing some talking and people have been talking to me. In the words of Glen Hansard, "Because I'm picking up a message, Lord. And I'm closer than I've ever been before. So if you have something to say, say it to me now." If you haven't caught on yet, I'm setting some goals and making some big decisions. Thanks for reading. I like you guys. :c) This pic by M. Rinaye Photography is an accurate representation of how I feel riiiiiiight now.